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Excerpt From Lose the Baggage, Lose the Weight: A Piece of Me: You Can’t Bury the Past
“PTSD is not something you want and it’s not something you know while it’s happening. It sneaks up on you and can consume you if you don’t get help.” ~ LPS
My Piece: You Can’t Bury the Past
Feelings and emotions that we thought were long forgotten can come back at any time. It happened to me after a former mentally disturbed student cornered me in my classroom. After that incident, I found myself preoccupied with my future. My emotions were out of control. I felt alone, anxious, ashamed, guilty, hopeless, overwhelmed, ugly, and unworthy. When I felt threatened, my heart beat faster. I dreamed of being chased or beaten, I had memories of people who abused me in the past.
I hurriedly cleaned up, cleaning out my closet and my dresser drawer. I discarded anything that reminded me of the teaching I loved. I stopped smiling. I had no joy. I became estranged from friends and I was doing things that I used to love.
I felt disconnected from those close to me. It was difficult to concentrate, sleep and eat. I was a mess. Sometimes I would walk for hours. I felt numb. I was shaking uncontrollably. I was going out when someone accompanied me. I felt cold. I lost weight without trying. I couldn’t see myself. I felt out of control.
My skin turned gray, my legs gave out several times, and I fell on my snow-colored carpet. When I fell near the bed, I would grab the covers tightly and pull my body to a standing position. The paralysis would only last a minute. After that I would go back to my daily routine. Sadly, part of that routine was lying in the fetal position in my bed with a blanket over my head to muffle the sounds of my crying. My clothes were hanging. I found that my image was disgusting, and the taste like a dirty ashtray made it difficult for me to eat. Any loud noise startled me. My reaction was terrifying. I would lie in my bedroom with one light on. I was afraid. I didn’t know what was happening. I was crying until the tears stopped. I would see things. I was sure the crows were mocking me. Evil is all around me. I could feel it. I was scared, and I needed help. I prayed, and God placed me in the hands of caring doctors.
“You’re not crazy,” they assured me. “He’s suffering from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). You have to open the box, so you can move on.”
I tried to close it, but it didn’t help. So I surrendered everything to God and the memories came rushing out like a roaring river. After I came to my senses, I realized that I had forgotten that God is always with me. I began to realize that my emotions were a normal response to extreme stress. My problems are because of what happened to me, not because of what I did.
I have learned from experience that many weight issues and eating disorder issues are the result of situations or circumstances beyond our control. It is up to us to find solutions to our problems and not run away from them. Denial is dangerous! Life is full of surprises. It doesn’t always go according to plan. Bad things happen. Parents divorced. Good, hard working workers are losing their jobs. Life requires us to dig deep and remember our goals and dreams. This is where original PIES (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual) can help. (A formula I made up as a teenager to survive.)
Original PIES formula
For most of my life, I followed this formula. But for a while I let my emotions take over. This enables others to control and have power over me. It also had an impact on how I saw myself and how I felt about myself. It took a toll on my self-esteem and self-esteem, something I would never have allowed before being mistreated at work.
Determined to get my life back on track, I had a good, old-fashioned coming-to-Jesus conversation after praying to God and asking the universe. It reminded me that pain should be managed, not boxed. This lightbulb moment moved me to find inspiration to share what I’ve learned about self-esteem, confidence, nutrition, fitness, eating disorders, and life.
Emotions can be controlled. The same goes for how you eat. It won’t be easy. However, it can be done. It must be done. Before we dive into the world of eating disorders, try to figure out whether or not you are using food to overcome or fuel you.
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